December 17, 2005

No longer looking at life through mud-colored glasses. I have always had a somewhat jaded outlook on life. I grew up knowing that people don't always end up living happily ever after. Real life just wasn't like that. Even if life seems good at the moment, something always happens to change that. I guess that's why I have been feeling as though any ounce of positivity I may possess is being eaten away every time another crisis starts. But can you blame me for feeling that way? I know that shit is supposed to occassionally hit the fan--that's part of life. But it's not supposed to hit all the time. For the past year, it seems that no matter what we do and no matter how hard we work--it just never is enough. As soon as we solve a problem, there's always another one close on it's heels.

I was feeling the pressure, I damn nearly broke under the weight of all of it. I was exhausted, miserable, and on some days--downright furious. I would wake up thinking, I hate this job, I hate this house, and I hate my life. I was burning out real fast and I couldn't do anything to stop it. On some days, it would be ok and I would momentairly forget about my misery and then something would happen which would slap it back in my face. Several times, I was on the verge of quitting--I couldn't take it anymore. But something inside me, just wouldn't allow me to do that. I was stubborn, giving up meant that I was admitting defeat. Nobody likes to lose.

I would have continued on this self-destructive path had I not come to my senses and forced myself to stop. On some days, I slip and people get a glimpse of the anger that's still simmering beneath the surface. But for the most part, I am getting myself under control. In spite of the recent misstep of another person (but which will undoubtedly be blamed on me, no doubt) and the controversy over the 13th month pay, I've been pretty cheerful lately. Jhery and I were even making jokes about the 13th month thing. whenever I feel myself start to get angry I always tell myself this don't sweat the small stuff. Life's too short to spend being mad, in addition to that frowning will give you unsightly wrinkles.

Now where did I leave that chainsaw...